Understanding Broken Heart – Taken from Love Course

 

The Meaning of Broken Heart

Broken heart, perhaps, is not a phrase we would hear daily. It is not used in conversation as much as love. It is so because a broken heart tends to be hidden; it is almost a shame to show or express in one or another way. It is like crying; we were taught that crying is a symbol of weakness and a broken heart is a medal for losers. People hide a broken heart like they hide tears.

Some people might say that their hearts were broken while they meant that they were upset, jealous, piqued, or simply sad. They thought that their hearts were broken due to the fullness and pain they experienced in their chest or tears rolling down on their cheeks. Those are not necessarily the signs of a broken heart. Most of the time, people who said that they are heartbroken didn’t know that they were not at that level yet.

It is not easy to define and explain what the broken heart is and how it feels like for the experience is somehow beyond any description. Fact that love songs writers and poets use metaphors to describe a broken heart shows that our daily words are not descriptive enough to make it imaginable.

A broken heart is an unexpected experience that can make even the strongest man on the earth find tears rolling down on his face and shake his world. It can make a religious man lose his faith. It can make a professor go dumb. It can make a psychotherapist depressed. And it can make a visionary man commit suicide. If these strong people can be made standing on their knees (or heads), it is not easy to imagine what it can do to common people like us.

At its lowest level, the initial diagnosis of a broken heart is the fullness and pain in the chest and the drastic decreasing of appetite and motivation to do what we know or aware is important for our living. It is also a common symptom that a brokenhearted person sleeps more than usual since he wants to escape from a painful reality. The conversation with other people turns less frequent except with someone who knows what is going on and why it is so. Sometimes, having a conversation about what we are experiencing (broken heart) can temporarily release the pain.

Not a few people died due to broken hearts. The doctors and psychologists became alerted to the seriousness of broken heart so that they studied this experience. Many people were shocked when the result of the study was presented. It has been found that a broken heart is not merely a mental but also a medical condition. It means that the phrase broken heart is no longer a metaphor.

The experts gave broken heart syndrome a name, Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. It is a weakening of the heart’s main pumping chamber as a result of severe emotional and physical stress. This happens due to the increase of the cortisol level caused by the limbic system’s response to the mental drama of not being loved. The increase in cortisol level leads a heartbroken man to frustration. Since he is frustrated, his immune system drops and consequently it does not function optimally. When the immune system does not function properly plus the heart’s main pumping does not work optimally, we are in a serious medical condition.

Unfortunately, it is an irony that there is no medical treatment to cure a broken heart although it has been discovered that a broken heart is a medical condition. There is no pill to cure a broken heart. Many men ran to drugs and they who could not hold it any longer might commit suicide. For many people, a broken heart is the edge of life. Well, I am here to say that it is not.

Why am I brokenhearted?

That your heart is broken is far from my expectation. Therefore, the “I” here means anyone who is experiencing a broken heart. However, not only do the heartbroken people need to read this section but also happy persons who believe that despairs of love are out of sight.

In Buddhism, there is no romantic love. Buddhists believe that romantic love is not the true love for this kind of love (Eros) leads us to attachment and compulsion. When we are in love romantically with someone, it is believed, we become compulsive and for an acceptable reason, we become attached to the person we are in love with. The problem that Buddha pointed is that it is the attachment and compulsion that generate suffering. In other words, suffering, including broken heart, is natural to experience in romantic love. It is so because nothing lasts forever; we will leave (or be left) by the person we love. From this point of view, it is reasonable why break-up can break the heart. Let’s imagine a plaster stick on our skin, when it is detached, we feel pain.

Based on the principle above, Buddha taught unconditional love or love without expecting any return. Of course, Buddha was not the only one. Jesus, Rumi, and Muhammad (PBUH) also taught the same love. However, not all people are sages and mystics; we are only common people who experiencing love as human beings. Although our hearts do not need any return, our bodies have a different call. For example, longing, though felt in the heart, is a call to the bodily presence of someone we are longing for. Our bodies call for touches, hugs, or kisses from the one we have Eros on. If these calls are unanswered, the soul (spiritual love) and the body (romantic love) will go through different paths. Unfortunately, as long as we are in the body, it is somehow irrational that we can feel nothing but causeless bliss without hard work. Therefore, loving unconditionally, for some people, can be the worst episode in their life.

Therefore, a broken heart is the most possible risk in romantic love; it is even more possible than being happy. I always reconsider my thought when being asked if romantic love is not true love for love is divided into different types and forms as we discussed above. The only fake love in my mind is this: when you love someone but only you take advantage of the relationship.

There are two main factors that cause your heart is broken. The first cause is any hurtful action done by the one you love and the second cause is a separation (break up, divorce, cheated, death, etc.). However, these two causes are given power by expectation and attachment.

Eros is a physical and mental call that unconsciously needs to be answered. It is natural that our bodies are longing for hugs and kisses because they are designed that way. In having Eros, a strong one, it is very ordinary to have some expectations like being answered, accepted, touched, hugged, kissed and loved (by the one who the Eros is destined to). These bodily needs are given meaning by our minds as valuable and sacred things to experience. According to the Law of Emotion, as explained by psychologist Nico Frijda, our emotion toward something or someone or an experience is determined by the meaning we give to it. When we change the meaning of something or someone, our emotions toward them will change accordingly. The expectation is a meaning given by our minds to anything that we expect to happen or experience. If the expectation is not fulfilled, then the opposite emotion emerged. For example, let’s say that you expect a hug from the one you love. In your mind, a hug from her will put you blissful. When she rejects to hug you, the opposite emotion emerged (e.g. sorrowful).

The deeper the meaning you give to your lover’s hug, the stronger your emotion will be. The stronger your emotion against your lover’s hug, the stronger your expectations will be. The stronger your expectations for your lover’s hug, the more you are at risk for heartbreak if your expectations are not fulfilled.

When we are in love with someone, we never count the expectations that we have in our minds and heart. What we consciously have in our mind is a dream if the love is answered. Unconsciously, the expectations are pictured in the dream. If we try to unmerge the pictures in our dream of love, we may have hundreds of expectations. Each expectation plays its role to build the dream we wish to come true. Each expectation, eventually, is potentially the cause of both our happiness and sorrows.

One of the natures of expectation is that it is limitless; it grows. When an expectation is fulfilled, another expectation grows. I have seen (and experienced by myself) that many lovers were broken far before their love answered. This is due to the first factor, unfulfilled expectation. Nevertheless, just because your Eros is answered, it does not mean that your expectation is fulfilled forever. You may expect other things like loyalty, availability, and so on. You will start to compel your partner to be available or present anytime you need her, be loyal, be sexy, and so on. You may put different expectations on different levels. When the higher expectation like loyalty is not fulfilled one day, then you fall into sorrow again.

Your expectations may be always fulfilled by your lover until one day you find yourself attached to that person. You become so dependent on that person until you find yourself in pieces and only that person can make you feel like a whole. When it comes, you are already in the higher stage and are introduced to the second factor of heartbreak, attachment.

What makes attachment a factor of heartbreak is separation. When you are strongly attached to your lover, you have given her your power button. You will be like a damaged battery notebook that always needs to be plugged into the electricity terminal to switch on. This is caused by your consumptive behavior; it happens because you disobey the sacred rule of love that it always gives and it never asks. Even if you are in Eros, you need to cultivate love within yourself that you can take and give love equally. If you are always in the taking or receiving position, separation will certainly “kill” you. In the end, separation is also a certain experience.

How do these two factors break a lover’s heart?

Heartbreak commonly occurs gradually although certain dramatic sorrowful experiences can cause it spontaneously. The mild knocks to the heart “wall”, mentally, create minor rifts like jealousy or mild sadness. If you choose to forgive or forget the event, the rifts will likely be healed in no time. However, if the events endure and you take them seriously, then the rifts will develop. Your imagination may play an important role to deepen the emotional impact of the events which in turn widens the rifts or add new rifts. For example, due to the “secret” chats you found on your spouse’s inbox, in the next day, you perhaps imagine if your spouse is going with someone else to the movie while it is not necessarily true; this will surely worsen the rifts.

Gradual heartbreak occurs by small events that threaten your expectation and pull you away from your partner. However, it is your mind that worsens your emotion. You can see that forgiving and forgetting are two mind works; they ease your emotion. However, if your mind works against yourself (e.g. it makes you miserable by showing you your spouse’s mistakes), you will worsen your emotional condition. Moreover, it will endure your pain in the heart and make you rolling into the torturing emotional turmoil. When you constantly experience the emotional turmoil in your heart, you will experience higher-level pain like resentment and even depression.

Time, sometimes, does not heal the wound in the heart. Active participation to put bandages on the wounds is needed. Forgiveness and letting go are mostly recommended by psychologists and spiritualists around the world as we will go through in the other section.

Due to the resentment or depression you experience that you don’t take care of, you will likely experience heartbreak which symptoms are described as Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy. In the other words, you will transfer your experience from mental heartbreak to medical heartbreak.

Certain dramatic events can cause heartbreak in the first knock. What are the dramatic events in question? It may be vulgar to put the examples so I let you fill in the blanks. However, there is no universal list of dramatic events that cause spontaneous heartbreak; there is no exact definition because different people defines it differently. I define it as the most unexpected events that threaten your expectation and pull you away from your partner. Based on that definition, the more it threatens your expectation, the more dramatic the event will be.

A small event like coming late can be interpreted as a dramatic event to some people who interpret the late coming as spending the time with another person and leaving just “leftover” for them. Since different people may interpret events differently, the most available definition of dramatic event, an event that can cause heartbreak in the first knock, is the most unexpected event that threatens the expectation and attachment the most. It is melodramatic and intense.

If you are observant enough, you will see that, yes, the main factors of heartbreak are expectation and attachment. However, what makes it worse and deeper is your mind. It was said that your mind is both your best friend and worst enemy. Your mind can work for you or against you. Let’s dive a little deeper.

What worsen heartbreak?

It is natural that scratching itch on the skin is pleasant. The weird thing is that heartbreak sometimes feels like an itch that makes some people stay within the moment no matter how uncomfortable it is. Some people “scratch” the “itch” by listening to melancholy songs, watching heartbreaking dramas, or hiding in the dark and cold room (except crying). These are unhealthy but every people have their right and reason to do those things. I said that they are unhealthy because they worsen the heartbreak.

Why do many people cry when they listen to Leonie (Arjan’s Brass) or Feeling (Morris Albert)? It is so because their memories are brought back vividly. Any melancholy songs, or songs that are related to a specific person, will trigger the memories. Not only that, but those will also bring back the lucidity of the memories so they feel as if they are experiencing the events again. Both happy and sad memories will produce sadness; the sad memories make you feel sad, and the happy memories will make you aware that those moments were gone.

If the songs can bring old memories back to the present moment vividly, those will amplify the emotion you are currently experiencing. Your sorrows are amplified by the melancholy songs and the rifts in your heart wall will automatically widen and deepen. Nevertheless, the songs themselves are not that harmful. It is your mind that keeps playing the drama in your mental TV, amplifies the emotional tension, and even mentally creates additional sorrowful events that have never happened in the first place.

Dramas and self-hiding are just the same. While watching heartbreaking dramas, you start to imagine that you are the characters in the drama. The drama shows you events you didn’t experience but your mind lies to you by making you feel as if you experience the events. You may hide to be found and wait to be visited by your “doctor”, the one who hurts you. You may expect that they will know what you feel and try to find you. However, for a scientific reason, your expectation is nothing but wishful thinking except you are telepathic. Since they don’t find or visit you in your castle of pain, your mind starts making additional pain by whispering to you that they don’t care, they never loved you before, you are not worthy, and so on; the list can go long.

Those things are usually done by brokenhearted people to “scratch” the “itch” in their hearts. Those create “artificial pleasure” for people will be aware that they are true lovers by experiencing the sorrows and pains. Nevertheless, unconsciously, those things worsen the heartbreak and transfer the experience from mental heartbreak to medical heartbreak. Stupidly, some people even feel it fine to die for love; love is only useful when you are alive.

The heart is not created to be broken. Therefore, it is strongly recommended by psychologists and spiritualists to heal the broken heart as soon as possible before it is too late to regret !.